Am or Am Nots

Sometimes I wonder how it would feel to be single again. I wouldn't dream of breaking up with my man, but as a stay at home, I do get bored sometimes, and I turn into a huge Facebook creeper. And I see all of my old friends who I've long ago stopped talking to, I peruse their photo albums, and I slowly grow jealous of their single lives, their non stop partying, their club-hopping, and their cute outfits.

Last weekend me and my bf went out to the city and spent a night in a hotel, which I thought was meant to be a relaxing weekend, and he became upset with me that I was being boring because I didn't feel like partying. It's so upsetting because I can't fully express myself speaking to him, I tried to explain how I was tired, I was looking forward to a relaxing, romantic weekend, while in his mind he wanted to relax by getting piss drunk and dancing all night.

I don't have to stamina to drink like I used to, I don't! Seriously! I drank so much, and I felt like crap that day too, I ended up throwing up my whole meal, and more. It was an awful night that I didn't enjoy and I didn't feel like myself at all.

It's so hard to imagine how I was before all this. Before moving in with him, and having a baby, and having all this responsibility - I was free, full of life and energy and spunk. Now it's all self-consciousness, self-doubt, I think I'm more self-involved than I was before but I just don't look like it.

So I wonder, if I had never gotten so deeply involved with my bf, and I was still essentially single, would I still be partying with my girlfriends instead of avoiding them, would I be getting drunk on the weekends in Toronto instead my one obligatory martini I have with dinner when I'm out, and more importantly, would I be happier being single than being me, now?

I used to be able to wear the most uncomfortable shoes without a flinch, go shopping for hours, and drink vodka without a hangover, what happened? I have become a whole different person, but have I really lost anything? Or have I just gained a something else? Something new and different?

Maybe I should be counting my blessings and start thanking God for all the things I have, and the things I am, instead of what I'm not. People change, people grow. I've definitely grown.